Thursday, January 24, 2013

"I could see you're only telling. . ."

It's an unfortunate thing when a lot of what our society is based on is lies. We lie in order to feel better about ourselves, lie so we don't hurt others, lie so we can get out of something we don't want to do?
    In my personal experience, when I am lied to (even if it is to save me from getting my feelings hurt), my ability to trust that person has diminished a great deal and I put that person on the same generic level as others who have hurt me. They may redeem themselves, but in the back of my head, there is always going to be that lingering doubt or question, "are they telling me the truth?"
    Personally, I would prefer for my feelings to be hurt by someone telling me the truth when I ask something. That way, I don't have to worry about them ever holding something from me.  Regardless, 9 times out of 10, I find out the truth and I can tell you, it hurts more than the initial truth. Much more.

    I understand we are not all perfect, but it would be nice to have someone be completely honest with me, 100% of the time. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering, "are you really in love with me? Is that really the reason you turned me down? Is that really the reason our plans were canceled? Is that really the reason you don't want to be with me? Is there really nothing wrong?"
    I'll admit, I have told my little white lies in the past, but I have mended my ways and I feel that I am genuinely an honest person, and I pride myself in that. Yes, I still slip up, but I almost always go back and correct my wrong.

    One of my best friends, ever, gave me this book that I had mentioned in passing to her. It is a book that I feel that all of us should read! It's called "Tiger, Tiger, is it True?" By Byron Katie.

    It's an amazing book that teaches you a new way of thinking. "Is it true that your family doesn't love you? No, they do things all the time that show you that they care about you and love you!" My point here is, just because you have someone lie to you, doesn't mean they don't love you, like you or whatever, but it still does not justify a lie.  At the end of the day, the only person you can count on going to bed with you and waking up with you, is yourself.

    The only thing constant in this world is change.

    To end on a different note, those of you who don't know, I am leaving for LA on the 13th of February. I am headed to the Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival to present the production of Charm that I was in, and I also get to compete in the Irene Ryan competition as well! We will return on the 17th to finish the run of Will Rogers Follies at Weber State. Both are super fun shows! Since my friends in Utah can only see Will Rogers, come see it!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot?

Hello! I know it has been quite some time since my last post, but this post I felt appropriate to the new year.
   Initially, I was just going to make this a short facebook status about the 2012  year, but then realized that there was no way I could make it short.
    I also had another subject on my mind a lot, which I will be including at the end of this blog-session. 

Let's start at the beginning.
    2012 was one of the most difficult years for me. (Not to worry, this post isn't going to be a poor me post. lol.) After  a very difficult relationship that is far too complicated than I wish to go into over a blog my first big event of the year I would like to start off was, for me was being cast in Salt Lake Acting Company's "Saturday's Voyeur". It was an incredible experience, and I loved every moment, challenge, experience, everything that exciting experience brought me. While doing this, I had the awesome opportunity to be in a filmed reading of the musical, "Sam I Was" by Sam Wessels. An inspiring musical story about a young man and his battle with Leukemia. I was also lucky to be asked to be in the Showtime television show "Larry Wilmore's Race, Religion, and Sex: in Utah". This was pure fun, and I got to dress up as an LDS Missionary again!   While in the process of bringing Voyeur to a close, I was beginning the rehearsal process for "CHARM" by Cathleen Kayhill at Weber State. This produciton had done a lot for my acting and I was nominated for the Irene Ryan Competition with the Kennedy Center, American College Theatre Festival. Charm was also chosen to perform at the festival that would be held in LA this year. I am very excited and lucky to be part of such a wonderful production.
While closing Charm, I began the rehearsal process for "White Christmas" at Ogden's new Ziegfeld Theatre. The cast in this particular production, was very special. Every one of the shows I had done, brought new, life-long friendships for me. With certain cast mates, Directors, Production Designers, Producers, House Managers, even box office workers.
The productions I was in over 2012 include, The Cradle Will Rock- "Mr. Mister", Little Shop of Horrors- "Audrey II (Operator)", Saturday's Voyeur- "Moroni 'Bud' Rassmusen" Sam I Was- "Hand, and Tenor", Larry Wilmore's Race, Religion, and Sex: in Utah- "Float On Choir Member", Charm- "Ralph Waldo Emmerson", White Christmas- "Bob Wallace", Phantom Killer- "Phantom '

My relationships with my friends (of old and new) was very interesting to look at in hind sight for me. I had many people I had considered friends to me, felt the need to "take sides" in a break-up, or I just found myself without them in my time of need.   I understand, that what I was going through was not a walk in the park, I'm not saying I needed someone to walk with me, I just wanted to know that there were people that at least would be there for me at the beginning and end of the walk.  This is, I guess, the point where I found where my true friends were.
  I look back to where I was a year ago and what I had then, versus what I have now, and I can honestly say that what I have now, I would not trade for the world! This really hit me hard on my Birthday, I had the best birthday, yet! I spent the day with many of my favorite people, and realized how lucky I am to have such a large variety of people in my life that I get to have as my friends.

Along with having awesome friends and speaking of which,  I have noticed there is something that has happened to me a lot in the past and still continues on. One of my dear friends and I were talking about this, she told me that she loved my ability to become friends with people, now, this ability is a blessing, but also a curse. This thing happens that is called "friend-zoning".  I have noticed that I am the kind of guy that when I like someone, I start to pursue it, and because I am friendly, they put me in the friend zone all to soon. For those of you who don't understand or know what the friend zone is, it is when a person is trapped into an area from which they can't return (in most cases), causing them to never have the opportunity to have any sort of relationship that isn't more than platoic with the person they are interested in, because they are friend zoned. I am at a complete loss to why I am friend zoned so often, or what it all may come down to. If anyone has any answers, I would love to hear what you think.

Anyway, this is what the 2012 year has brought me and I look forward to 2013, because it will be even better than the previous year. Reaching goals, creating new ones, and becoming the happiest, and best me I can become!

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path, and leave a trail.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Rumor Has It.

              I have been fighting and thinking with myself as to what I wanted to talk about on my first blog entry, I have finally figured out what I feel I would like to share. Just a little side note, not all my blogs will be like this. Many of you may or may not know what’s been going on with me in my life, and this is one of the reasons I have created this blog. I hope they will be uplifting, thought provoking, funny, stories, my thoughts on whatever and just everything great in between. :) But this blog might be a little heavy for some, but it’s me, it’s my escape for now, and I am posting it just to inform people about me. I am sorry for posting anything on facebook that may have caused you to either blocked my posts or have just not been quite sure what to say to me, but it was my only outlet that I felt I could go at times. I hope this doesn't sound like a journal entry, and I'm sorry if it does.

As most (or all) of you know, judging by my facebook status’ and being around me. This year has been the most difficult year I have ever had to deal with. Something I have been learning the hard way lately, is to press forward in life, no matter what you have been dealt and look for the positive. Because no matter how dark and awful the forest may be, there are always some flowers to stop and smell that won't be poisonous, or filled with something that may hurt, or sting you. There are flowers that may be a ruse, and we may not know it until it's too late, but we learn from each of them. Regardless, there are parts of any forest that are beautiful and give you the opportunity to enjoy life, reflect, and rediscover yourself. But in the end, we either find a section of the forest that we may never want to leave, or we may even find our way out, but we can't find either of those if we don't press forward." After a slew of not so happy, positive or sad posts, many of you may have found this to be quite refreshing.

Not many people know me on a very personal level, and that’s okay. It can also be curse. People are very impressionable, and so I have found that opinions are formed by what they hear from others. I will admit, I have been guilty of this, but I have learned very quickly after being on the other side, that I can and will only form my opinion on someone with my personal experience with them. It isn’t fair to you, or the person you are forming the opinion of if you aren’t giving them a real chance. Does this mean you shouldn’t be cautious, or watch out for certain thing when you talk to them, or get to know them? No! But at least give them an honest chance.

What has been going on with me. . . here we go. Haha. I recently got out of a relationship that I had been in for over 3 years, approaching 4. Today would actually be the 4th year anniversary. I was in love! Head over heels! It has been extremely difficult for me to deal with it, as I didn't really see any warning signs of it coming to an end. There were a lot of aspects of me that I had lost, I also wasn't happy with some aspects of my life. This was no ones fault but my own, and I let my insecurities take over who I am and how I treat people. Especially the ones closest to me. I would treat the ones I loved with a limited amount of respect (I hadn't realized that I was doing this until it was pointed out to me and it was too late). Anyway, after everything was said and done, this obviously didn't help my self image and I was trying to grasp anything that remotely could to go back to being the happiest I had ever been in my life. Seeing that nothing I was doing was working, I did what any stupid person would do, and kept trying which only made things spiral downward. I was in shock and took a few trips to crazy-town.
 After many talks with people, and many many hours to think alone, I had realized many things about myself and other lessons. I had found that no matter how many people told me the same thing, I had to learn some things on my own and realize them for myself. It was sad that some of these things took me so long to piece together, and to finally see what I was doing and what I needed to do for myself.  This is not to say that I didn't listen to what others would say or that I wouldn't care or that what you had said to me didn't mean anything, because no matter what anyone told me, I would learn something new that would help me, each time. Unfortunately, no words from others could fill the void of a broken heart.  Anyway, back to the story, I moved my things back into my parents place, and became a couch surfer. Haha. I have learned the value of what a true friendship is, and what people really mean to me. I have also realized how much I love my family and that I had left them out of the circle of my life. And my friends that have stuck with me by my side through all of this wreckage, I can’t thank you enough!
I have realized how important it is to not hold a grudge towards someone, or any negative feelings towards people. To be on as good a standing as possible with people, because you never know when they will be gone forever. It could be today, tomorrow, or 50 years from now, regardless, holding onto anything negative is damaging to your soul, as well as the person you are harboring the sour feelings towards, if you realize it or not. If you are not moving forward and upwards, you are not progressing, and isn’t life about progressing?

With all this going on in my life, I have learned a great deal about myself, and other people. Some of the highlights is how important communication and ESPECIALLY honesty is. If they are lacking, you only have yourself to blame. Also, with that, if you have done everything you could do, there is no sense to beat yourself up over something that you can't control.  You will get much farther in life if you are just honest with others and yourself. If you aren't honest with others, you aren't honest with yourself. When someone finds out the truth (which will almost ALWAYS happen) they resent you, hate you and their trust in you as a person and your credibility in their eyes decreases by a large amount. So, I feel that no matter the consequences you may feel my happen if you might tell the truth, they are not nearly as damaging as they are when you lie.
I have realized how important it is to not hold a grudge towards someone, or any negative feelings towards people. To be on as good a standing as possible with people, because you never know when they will be gone forever. It could be today, tomorrow, or 50 years from now, regardless, holding onto anything negative is damaging to your soul, as well as the person you are harboring the sour feelings towards, if you realize it or not. If you are not moving forward and upwards, you are not progressing, and isn’t life about progressing?

Another one of the saving graces for me through this whole mess has been the show I am currently involved in. Saturday's Voyeur! I was SO lucky to get cast in this years production of Saturday's Voyeur at the Salt Lake Acting Company. This has been one of the hardest productions I have been involved with. But, this show has also saved me a lot. It has pushed me, not only as a performer, but also as a person. Being with my fellow cast mates, and production team, has really helped me through tough times. Having had my heart broken, and my car broken into, probably made me seem like the sad, annoying little drama queen in the cast.  This just added to the mess that I was. Anyway, I had never taken on a role that was like this! Most productions I’ve been in, have had one MAYBE two short monologues that I would have. Not this one. I had a hard time memorizing because there was so much my character had to say.
But this cast/crew/team, became like a family to me, and I will be very sad to see this show close.

The next production I will be working on is Charm at Weber, I am looking forward to this as well. But going back to school at Weber after this whole mess, and having old friends that are close friends to the other parties, it has been very difficult. I feel like a freshman at school, while I am in my senior year. Looking for ways to get through one day at a time is something I never thought I would have to do. It has been a challenge.

I hope that I haven’t upset anyone by posting this. My friends and family are the most important thing to me in my life, and that is why I have had such a difficult time, I have been ejected out of the lives of those I cared deeply about, and have been forsaken by them has made things difficult. This all probably seems very juvenile to some of you, but to me, it has been a very trying and difficult experience I have gone through.

I am taking life one day at a time, one minute at a time. Sometimes the minutes/hours can be hard, but there is always something you can look forward to. Even on the darkest of days.

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”- Emerson